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pierpressure girls together, ad nauseam

in space, no one can hear you scream

So, Kristen, we should let everyone out there know we survived our first stint at Art Chicago. And we still like each other. Actually, maybe not so much anymore! But who knew it could be so challenging to sit on your ass for five days? Inertia is a lot of work. By the end of it, I could swear I saw the face of Jesus in my $3 cup of coffee. Happily, we managed to avoid getting hit by droppings from the birds roosting in the exhibition hall. But the only work I managed to see was en route to the bathrooms. I did notice how you conveniently disappeared whenever we had to explain the concept of mouthtomouth to the Teamsters. Although our tip jar was very successful: for one dollar, we would debate any topic of your choice. For 20 bucks, you could watch us make out. You're welcome, Tom Huck! Let's hear it for cab fare! Then some guy tried to show us his divorced friend's slides, and you called him a pimp. Niiiiiice. For some reason, he chose not to subscribe to our magazine. Well, I don't think that strategy is recommended in How to Win Friends and Influence People. I'll have to look it up and see. What I don't understand is why it was so hard to get people to play our Mad Libs Manifesto with us. C'mon: all we need is a verb! How many times did you define the word "adjective"? For the record, it's "any class of words used to limit or qualify a noun." Don't ask me again! And I do recall at some point having to remind folks that a noun was "a person, place, or thing." I never stop editing. It wasn't all bad: I did manage to score a free stash of Artforums from their garbage can after they left. And I watched a girl sit on gum. I'm not sure if that qualifies as performance art, but it was fun to watch. And we did meet some cool magazine colleagues. It's amazing how being trapped under fluorescent light in booths the size of a closet can be a bonding experience. Especially when everyone's been hungover 120 hours in a row. Is that even possible? Trust me. Anyway, thanks to everyone who visited us, brought us ice cream, and kept us from killing each other. We couldn't have done it without you! Cor-rect!